City holds celebration for 10 years of faux recycling

LOS ANGELES - Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa hosted a citywide celebration today to commemorate 10 years of collecting trash and recycling in separate bins, then combining them into one landfill.

"Ever since city of Los Angeles began the process of faux recycling, our citizens have never felt better about ourselves," said the Mayor.  "Everyone from our students at UCLA, to our world-renowned film industry has really taken up the call to giving the appearance of being eco friendly."

In honor of the event, the Mayor unveiled a life-sized yacht made of plastic bags, milk jugs, and six-pack rings that was ceremoniously floated into the Pacific Ocean so that "the whole world can regard Los Angeles for maintaining highest standards in eco-friendly appearances."

Celebrating 50 years of Los Angeles' most popular fashion: Douchebag Casual

LOS ANGELES, CA - Many years ago, the fashionistas that inhabit the Hollywood Hills, which is not just the highest point in the country, but literally the Mt. Olympus on which the world's Fashion Gods are perched (hence, Olympic Blvd), saw fit to bestow upon the common man a fashion gift that would define the City of Angels, and influence the world: a high-priced sport jacket worn over a thrift-store shirt and jeans, better known as the incomparable Douchebag Casual.
     Originated in the mid-century shag phase, this mosaic of clothing has only become better and more adopted throughout the decades, evolving and penetrating into the business-class stratosphere of Los Angeles culture.  Appropriately becoming a sort of city-wide fashion mascot, no other style better reflects the Los Angeles mentality: a fake, pretty, glossy exterior that covers up a heaping pile of garbage.
     A special fashion event will be held this Saturday, Downtown, two blocks south of Skid Row.  Dresscode:  Douchebag Casual.

Hollywood executive baffled to discover scripts contain words

          LOS ANGELES, CA - Renowned film executive, Mark Stuebenmuyer, made a surprise discovery on Wednesday while driving in his Toyota Prius:
"When I was looking at an email from one of our screenwriters, I accidentally spilled my double, skinny soy latte on my lap," says Stuebenmuyer, "When I looked back at my phone there was this weird jumble of words."
          Apparently the stunned exec had accidentally opened a script attachement and stumbled upon a series of word groupings. Since the words ran longer than 140 characters, local scientist have been unable to identify their meanings.

LA Headline News will continue to cover this breaking story as it unfolds.

UPDATE:
        LOS ANGELES, CA - An anonymous screenwriting source has as identified the word groupings as "sentences and paragraphs."
        When asked to comment, a perplexed Stebenmuyer said "Huh.  How about that."

Los Angeles Man given Humanitarian Award for allowing fellow citizen to merge into lane

     LOS ANGELES, CA - Earlier last month on the 405 Interstate, in a random act of kindness, a local Angelino yielded to another driver, allowing them to merge in front of them on the exit lane.  "I'm usually not one for charity," said the local hero, "but when I saw their car, a 5-series BMW without leather seats, I felt such remorse for anyone who might have to live such an impoverished life, the least I can do is give up my 20 feet of space on the freeway."
     The Awards Ceremony will be held downtown at L.A.Live on this Saturday afternoon.  Heavy traffic expected.

Developing Story: L.A. Astronomers speculate California perhaps NOT center of universe, results still inconclusive

    LOS ANGELES, CA - Local astronomers were baffled to stumble upon evidence that seems to indicate that California may not be the center of the known universe, but may revolve around a mysterious glowing mass.  In fact, it seems that the indicated mass may itself revolve around an even LARGER mass, still yet unidentified.
     "Nawwwwww," said one of the astronomers, when asked his professional opinion, "nawww it's probably not true, I mean, do you know how many different kinds of high-end coffee shops we have here? I mean, come on!"

Los Angeles Area Man amazed to discover general population of Midwest is unaware he exists